I thought today as I reflected upon the past Thanksgiving holiday - specifically Thursday, which we spent at my (deceased) parents house - that going there, celebrating there, inviting friends and family there with everything in tact and unmoved since my dad passed away in March allowed us to celebrate Thanksgiving as our old family one last time. A year ago we didn't know that was our last Thanksgiving together as a family, so this year we acted as if they were still and that this was our last year together with them, even though they are already gone. If that makes sense.
And I know people say "Oh, but they are always with you!" which may be true, but this year we acted as if they were actually here, not just with us in spirit. We prepared the same foods, prepared the house, ate off the same dishes - the whole shebang. It might seem a little creepy or odd, but I think my sister and I needed this. I'm not sure we'll do Christmas the same way, maybe this was all we needed - but I don't think we'll be here next year.
It's all part of saying (or not saying) goodbye, which is hard and I haven't done... maybe it would be more accurate if I said I'm not done... yet. It's hard to imagine that you can never talk, see or touch the person you loved most in this world ever again. Right now it still feels as if they are here, just not right in front of me. Maybe in another room or on vacation, but not gone forever... I can't imagine that.
I called their home phone the other day ( I have not disconnected their line yet) and hearing my mom's voice on their voice mail didn't get me emotional, it just sounded and felt so normal. I was surprised that I didn't feel moved or that it didn't seem like a nostalgic memory. It felt very current, and I could have left a message like "mom - dad - it's me, call me back!" but didn't, mostly because I didn't want my sister to hear it, get emotional, and more importantly - discover that I randomly call their number. This is so not letting go... yet!
So I know the day is coming, and maybe it's not an actual day but a slow passing of time that allows me to think of things differently. I can almost hear well intended friends asking me if I've processed through their death, if I've let go - and insisting that there is a specific way to deal with letting go. Even more annoying would be friends insisting that regardless of what I have already done, I haven't really really let go, and should immediately make a plan to do so upon hearing their words of wisdom. These plans often involve burning sage, visiting a seaside cliff, screaming or making an appointment with a therapist. I think I'll stick to what I've been doing - talking with my parents, my family, crying, being angry, mad and sad... rinse, wash, repeat.
But I know what the other side of letting go will look like for me, or at least I think I know. When I let go and the event of their passing lifts from my shoulders, it will allow me to stop thinking of their last moments with us as if they happened yesterday; it will allow me to think beyond my parents' final days and caring for their dying comfort; it will allow me to be at peace with their death and allow me to talk with my parents freely, not with questions of their wellness, about their passing, about how things could have gone differently; it will allow me to appreciate my parents as the whole, wonderful people they were throughout their entire lives; it will allow me to live free of second-guessing the decisions I made on their behalf; it will allow me to be happy again.
I know I have not said goodbye, but I will.
Eventually.
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