A time to say goodbye?

I thought today as I reflected upon the past Thanksgiving holiday  - specifically Thursday, which we spent at my (deceased) parents house - that going there, celebrating there, inviting friends and family there with everything in tact and unmoved since my dad passed away in March allowed us to celebrate Thanksgiving as our old family one last time. A year ago we didn't know that was our last Thanksgiving together as a family, so this year we acted as if they were still and that this was our last year together with them, even though they are already gone. If that makes sense.

And I know people say "Oh, but they are always with you!" which may be true, but this year we acted as if they were actually here, not just with us in spirit. We prepared the same foods, prepared the house, ate off the same dishes - the whole shebang. It might seem a little creepy or odd, but I think my sister and I needed this. I'm not sure we'll do Christmas the same way, maybe this was all we needed - but I don't think we'll be here next year.

It's all part of saying (or not saying) goodbye, which is hard and I haven't done... maybe it would be more accurate if I said I'm not done... yet. It's hard to imagine that you can never talk, see or touch the person you loved most in this world ever again. Right now it still feels as if they are here, just not right in front of me. Maybe in another room or on vacation, but not gone forever... I can't imagine that.

I called their home phone the other day ( I have not disconnected their line yet) and hearing my mom's voice on their voice mail didn't get me emotional, it just sounded and felt so normal. I was surprised that I didn't feel moved or that it didn't seem like a nostalgic memory. It felt very current, and I could have left a message like "mom - dad - it's me, call me back!" but didn't, mostly because I didn't want my sister to hear it, get emotional, and more importantly - discover that I randomly call their number. This is so not letting go... yet!

So I know the day is coming, and maybe it's not an actual day but a slow passing of time that allows me to think of things differently. I can almost hear well intended friends asking me if I've processed through their death, if I've let go - and insisting that there is a specific way to deal with letting go. Even more annoying would be friends insisting that regardless of what I have already done, I haven't really really let go, and should immediately make a plan to do so upon hearing their words of wisdom. These plans often involve burning sage, visiting a seaside cliff, screaming or making an appointment with a therapist. I think I'll stick to what I've been doing - talking with my parents, my family, crying, being angry, mad and sad... rinse, wash, repeat.

But I know what the other side of letting go will look like for me, or at least I think I know. When I let go and the event of their passing lifts from my shoulders, it will allow me to stop thinking of their last moments with us as if they happened yesterday; it will allow me to think beyond my parents' final days and caring for their dying comfort; it will allow me to be at peace with their death and allow me to talk with my parents freely, not with questions of their wellness, about their passing, about how things could have gone differently; it will allow me to appreciate my parents as the whole, wonderful people they were throughout their entire lives; it will allow me to live free of  second-guessing the decisions I made on their behalf; it will allow me to be happy again.

I know I have not said goodbye, but I will.

Eventually.

A Psychic?!

My dad with me on the way back from getting
some firewood the September before he died.

I'm currently whittling my way through something called probate (something you have to do when you are the executor to an estate). I'm actually signing over the deed to my parents' house this week, working with a probate lawyer on a few other nightmares and trying to decide what to do with some unsettled finances.

This is where the psychic comes in!

Apparently, my mom's best friend spoke with my sister this week and she went to a psychic (I would never guess her to see a psychic, but hey - it was for charity!). She learned that my parents are apparently with my sister night and day, never leaving her side! WOW! Even if you don't believe in spirits and psychics, the idea just makes you feel better. She was also told that their son, which would be me, needs to "tell them what I want!" Tell whom, exactly? That's the big question!

Are they referencing love, money, jobs? I know my mom wanted me to marry Matthew and have babies, but she knows I do what I want.. I know my parents pretty much trust me to do what I please in the job arena as well. So the big things are pretty much settled. The one thing I can think of is... these damn unsettled accounts!

So yes, as non-romantic and life changing as it may seem, I feel that if there was one thing my parents would want, it would be to "tell them [finance folks] exactly what I want [long list of options]."

Consider that one of the last things my dad said as he was dying in the hospital, gasping for breath, was that we return his medical equipment and call his medical suppliers so that no extra fees would be assessed and equipment delivered. He made us promise to do this immediately following his passing. I think it gave him a sense of cohesion, a sense of still being our father, dictating as he always did, and of reassuring us that life needs to go on - and more importantly, go on as scheduled. Because he was an hour early for every appointment in his life after all...

I can only imagine how much anxiety my dad would have knowing that I might wait until the last possible month to file some of these papers!

I'd better get moving.