I'm a little worried now that I'm feeling "all better" about mom dying, and some stability at work, some sense of safety for my family (sister and nice and nephew) that I need to start paying attention to me again. No, not like attention as in attention whore Jason - I mean like the real me. I love to escape in music, video and graphics - starts with porn, but after a few orgasms my creative juices still churning I start other projects like a music video that serves no purpose, or a montage of our last trip to Mexico - which granted, will be really REALLY fun to see years from now. But the real me, is it happy with my partner? Where I am in life? What I want to be, what I want to do? It works for me now, because where it places me here, in this environment/world/city, is pretty cool - it keeps me busy with an attractive beautiful handsome man at my side along with all the friends we've gathered (not many, maybe 7-8 good friends) over the few years.

 Saturday I had the time to be with myself a bit, and just didn't feel like I knew where I was headed. I'm not "madly in love" with Matthew in a way that I've been with my ex girlfriend (will that ever be replaced?) or even some hookups that for some reason or other could never add up to more. But that may not be the chemistry of "us" - it could be that I'm just needing to do some work. On me. But I'm not sure what that is... figure out a way to deal with death? Have a definite plan as to what constitutes a good uncle? I know from the outside it seems like my shit is together, but dudes - I've been coasting. I've been coasting at work and life - incognito to others because my performance at work remains stellar, my family adores me and my body is as fit as someone with any high level of dedication. BUT I'M STILL COASTING! Those are the things I do on auto-pilot.

On the flip side, I *am* over that huge bout of depression from death. I don't drift to sleep trying to imagine my mom's pain every night. I don't recall too frequently the times I saw my mom in excruciating pain, which for some reason only happened when I was with her. I'm letting go of both of my parents confessing in me that they were not ready to go. I'm thinking of the time when my mother told me it was the worst pain she had ever been through - there at the threads of the end of her life, it wasn't to make me feel bad, it wasn't even for empathy, but just to tell someone that was there - she needed someone to know - because the doctors just do the procedure and walk away. At that moment I felt like I wasn't her son, her friend even - almost just like she was talking to god.

But I've digressed in a way that will undoubtedly leave me sleepless again - So, given that: those moments happen with less frequency, I feel less sad, I've started caring more at work, I've felt energized at work, I've started looking forward to work social commitments (which I've been dreading over the past three years), I've started SUGGESTING social activities for my work team - and I'm starting for the first to look at me as a grown man.

Before my mom got sick I was a kid. I was dependent on my parents in a way that unmarried Latin sons do in our culture - I took for granted that if dad was around near dinner time he made me food, that their pockets were always open and that they supported and loved me dearly. Now that the whole shit fest is over and I'm still here (yeah that whole losing both parents in a matter of three months), I know a few things keep me going - one is my love of biking. I've completely fallen in love again with something that I've loved since childhood, even biking across Bavaria as a kid (several times). I was coming back from the gym this week and it hit me again - how perfect that moment was for me. I love the clips, the clicks, the gears, the breaks and the feel of my bars. It's a second home.

However the rest of my life remains needs some attention. It's like the huge machine that is my life has been clicking, clacking and churning along for the past few years and it's held up and gotten me through, but now it's time to take it off auto-pilot and see where I am at - is my navigation completely off track, or is it on course? Do I need to re-align, re-tune, re-calibrate, re-learn? I need some time to think, and let myself explore. What do I want to be doing - am I way off course, or am I exactly where I want to be? But I still like doing porn. Oh, and these silly videos.

Hmmm. I think I've finally gotten to a point where *I* feel like I'm happy with my body. I'm in the place I want to be - could be better, could be worse, but I think I'm in the zone I've strived for so long to be. To achieve more would be a lot of work and likely require steroids and more effort/training/coaching in the fitness area, but I am definitely identifiable as an athlete. 

It's funny, as other men crest forty they feel like the waistline pushes out, the shoulders droop as the fat to muscle ratio shifts. For me, I've never felt more fit. Think of life as floating in a pool, and puberty as a time when we are pushed by hormones in our race lane - as time passes our enertia slows, but it doesn't have to; you can learn to kick and stroke to go even faster than your initial push. 

Anyways, I'm revealing all in an underwear fashion show Friday. I'm NOT cutting, not changing my diet, just hitting the stage "as-is" because I think it's good enough. I'm finally comfortable with the regular old me (without even shaving!) on stage. My peers will be men under 30, largely from the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard in Bremerton. I was a little nervous at first and age conscious, but then remind myself: I'm happy with where I'm at. I've done a great job at finding my own personal best! 

 Here's a shot that shows me, unshaved and without cutting and flexing. I think I look fit. Not ready for competition, but someone you might wanna ya know... sleep with :-)