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| Commuters on Pine Street in Seattle - December 19th, 2008. Photo by me, of course! |
This picture is just a few years ago in 2008, taken just a few days before Christmas and all was well. This was a happy day (of course, it snowed - a LOT!) and I remember there were some *meh* days and some good days. Little d's for me - not really even depression, almost something that was brought on my myself. You know feeling a little bad because you ate the whole box of cookies, or just feeling lazy one Sunday morning and not making it to the gym - it leaves you feeling *meh*.
I don't think I've ever known real depression and sadness until now - my first of Big D's. I've had my beloved dogs pass away, my grandparents and aunts and uncles... even friends my age in their 30's die from cancer or car accidents, but still never landed in a Big D.
Honestly, it's still kinda the same except the swell is just bigger. It permeates more of my everyday life and sinks into the bone at times, but then amazingly it lifts and I feel better for awhile. Sometimes I worry the swell of the Big D is too big and I'll get sucked under and wont be able to ride it out but it seems to be OK.
I've opted out of prescription anti-depressants and opted instead for something called 5-htp which works to help me manage but doesn't eliminate the Big D's - which I prefer.
Anyways, looking forward to those little d's again. Yesterday was particularly bad with all the Christmas stuff - looking for trees and decorating the tree, wrapping presents etc.- all things which were very special and bonding mother-son times for me when I was a kid and as an adult. Actually, especially as an adult - because we carved out time from our busy schedules to be with each other. I worried that I wouldn't be able to shake it then suddenly noticed I was feeling much better by the afternoon and evening. Whew.... what a feeling of relief! A sense of feeling normal again.
I know I seem to go on about this but even writing this down helps. Now I have that song stuck in my head... "I'm going through the Bid D and don't mean Dallas... I can't believe what the judge had to tell us... I got the Jeep and she got the Palace..." yeah, different Big D!
